Monday, February 29, 2016

Tyromancy

Sometimes when Moriya and I are chatting online during our work sessions, I like to imagine us in a kind of Waiting for Godot absurdist play. It goes like this.


ACT 1

The curtain opens on an empty stage, save for two desks positioned on opposite sides. One is messy and covered with papers, shipping materials, and Laffy Taffy wrappers. A laptop sits in the middle. The other desk is neat and organized, pens collected in a container and papers stacked neatly on one side. 

Enter HALEY. She is wearing an orange striped cardigan and bright red and green leggings with reindeer on them, though Christmas came and went more than two months ago. She has clearly not taken a shower. Her dog CLYDE is sprawled out on the floor by her desk. 

Haley looks down at her phone, tapping away on the screen. 

Haley: "AMAZING!"

She turns back to her computer and begins typing furiously. 

Enter MORIYA, carrying a beer and her own laptop. Her hair is frazzled and her face carries the marks of the bedtime battle she just engaged in with her three-year old. She trips on a baby toy. 

Moriya: "MRRRRGHHHHH."

Her computer beeps. She reads the screen. 

Haley: "My uncle just texted me this! AMAZING!"

Moriya types in return. 

Moriya: "Divining by CHEESE? Now THAT's the kind of stuff people should text about. AMAZING!"

They both take a seat at their respective desks, Moriya at the neat and organized one, Haley at the messy one. They type to each other. 

Moriya: "I love our new About Us page! Is it lame that my baby is in my pic?"
Haley: "No, people love babies. I was thinking about that as I was circleizing it."

They both pause for a moment. 

Haley: "Circleizing is totally a word."
Moriya: "No it isn't."

Moriya considers again. 

Moriya: "Seriously? That's amazing!"

Haley shrugs sheepishly. 

Haley: "No, it's not. I'm joking. Though it should be. There's probably a real word that means the same thing."

She stares into space, talking to herself. 

Haley: "Encircling. Kinda. Circle crop?"

Moriya takes a deep pull from her beer and then peers at her computer, confused. At the same time, Haley scratches her head and considers her screen. 

Moriya: "Oh, man. I can't find a tool in Illustrator and I don't know if it's because I've had a beer or because it's actually missing."
Haley: "I cannot for the life of me find any details about how to divine the future using cheese."

A moment passes. 

Moriya: "It's because I had a beer."
Haley: "BINGO. 'Young maidens in countryside villages would divine the names of their future husbands by writing the names of all prospective suitors on separate pieces of cheese. The one whose name was on the piece of cheese that grew mold first was believed to be the ideal love mate.'"

Moriya chokes on a sip of beer. 

Moriya: "That's so wonderful and romantic. *sigh"
Haley: "'Another method of Tyromancy was to write the possible answers to a question on separate pieces of cheese and them place them inside a cage along with a hungry rodent. Whichever piece the mouse ate first would provide the desired indication.'" (She laughs with glee.) "This is the best."
Moriya: "It's kinda like MASH but with cheese and rats."

They work away for a moment, Moriya pausing every once in awhile to take a sip of her beer and Haley trying to ignore Clyde, who has gotten up and keeps scratching her leg to try to get her to pet him. 

Moriya suddenly lets out a shriek and starts laughing. She grabs her phone and takes a picture of her computer screen.

Moriya: "OK. I was looking for a background for my states graphic. I just sent you a Snapchat of what came up when I clicked on a USA map from Google Search."

Haley picks up her phone and lets out a similar shriek. She also starts laughing. The audience sees what she sees enlarged on a giant screen on stage. Clyde gives up and lays back down. She types again. 

Haley: "WHOA there."
Moriya: "WTF. That's like straight up porn."
Haley: "Clicking on an image took you there??"
Moriya: "What if a kid clicked that?! Yes!! Of just the USA map! My kids are never getting online. That scares the shit out of me."
Haley: "You're just going to have to get heavy child locks on your internet. Try safe search."

Moriya clicks around, then starts laughing hysterically. She grabs her phone again and takes a video.

Moriya: "I tried it with safe search. Look at what I sent you."

Haley looks at her phone and also starts laughing hysterically. An image of an animated couple having exaggerated, graphic sex appears on the screen on stage, then disappears. 

Enter Haley's husband, MICHAEL. He is tall and bearded. He looks at his laughing wife quizzically. 

Michael: "What's so funny?"
Haley (in between giggles): "Moriya was trying to find a map of the United States, and when she clicked on it, it redirected to porn, and then she tried it with safe search, and it redirected to ANIMATED porn..."

Michael just stares at her for a moment, then, patting Haley on the back, disappears back off stage. 

Moriya: "I"m laughing so hard. Okay, how do I turn this mother-effing safe search off?? I don't want safe search."
Haley: "Bahahahahha. I don't even know."

They both sit back in their chairs, cackling quietly. 

Curtain. 





P.S. Special thanks to my Uncle Jerry for thinking of me when he heard about tyromancy.

1 comment:

  1. Bravo Ladies! Nice effort working cheese-based fortune telling, beer and porn into your blog. I'm so proud to get some small credit. 🙈

    ReplyDelete